Day 5

Day 5? Really? It's only day 5? It feels like he has been gone forever. I know I am just having a bad day. I know there will be more of them to come in the coming year. I know that I can't tell him. I know I must be happy, keep his spirits up. But I am having a hard day. We didn't cry when we parted for his deployment. We parted with smile & well wishes for the next time we see each other. I didn't cry when he got on the bus that I knew would take him away. I knew he might see & that is not what he needed. Once he left, I knew that sleep or no sleep, I had to not only leave post, but leave town. I knew that if I went back to our bed to try to sleep, I would lose it. Since then, I have driven over 1500 miles, kept myself SO busy in order to not think about it.

I had intended to write each day. Blog about our first deployment. Yes, we had an unaccompanied tour last year, but this is our first deployment and I assure you any military wife who has been through a deployment will be QUICK to let you know if you haven't been through a deployment. Whatever! I couldn't sit down & think about it & write. Then today happened. Nothing really happened. Actually, nothing at all happened. I have isolated myself, stayed in my room most of the time, sitting on the bed. I haven't left the house, gotten out of my pj's, or cared to do either of those.

I tried. I got up this morning & wanted to get out of bed, but somehow just didn't seem like I could. It took me great effort to finally get out of the room. I made it to the kitchen, made a fried egg sandwich for me & for my Mother. I sat down there, ate & tried to act sociable. I found myself slowly migrating back upstairs to be alone after I put dishes in to wash & put in laundry.

I panicked when after taking the laundry down I couldn't find my yellow ribbon pin I had taken off my clothes. I haven't worn clothes without it since it was given to me the night/morning (midnight-ish) when we got to company for him to leave. I had my dog tags with his wedding band that I have kept with me since he left, I had my worry stone that he had given me to try to keep my hands busy (so I won't bite my fingernails. He hates it & never misses a chance to let me know it). But I felt like I might just have a meltdown if I didn't find the yellow ribbon pin. Such a little thing, but not really.

When my parents got back to the house tonight, I heard them coming in & came upstairs because I just didn't even feel like I am good company. I don't feel I can entertain anyone or hold a conversation. I thought I would blog.

I had put my SD card into the computer a few days ago & put the pics on the puter, but I hadn't looked at them, or anything. When I started to blog, I wanted to add a pic of my hubby the morning he left. When I saw the pics as I was looking through them for one to put with this post, I lost it. I finally cried. I can't explain why then except I saw his face.

He has been so great so far to keep in touch. We have chatted online everyday. I know where he is, what he's doing, who he's with, what he has had to eat, that his feet are blistered from the sweat from the unbearable heat. We have talked. I know when he finally got to sleep, when he couldn't sleep, what the PX there is out of. I should be happy, right? I mean I know there are military wives out there right now that haven't heard from their husbands. But I sit here feeling sorry for myself because I don't have his shoulder to lay my head on tonight. I can't touch his skin & know the way his skin feels so different from my own. I can't watch him sleep like I did when he was here (I would have never understood anyone doing that until I started doing it. And now the tears keep coming without stop. If it were simply a release, wouldn't it feel good? But it doesn't. Truly, it doesn't. I want to weep aloud, scream, wail, lay down and pound my fists on the ground. And if I had the energy to get off the bed, I might.

I know today is almost over. I know tomorrow is a new day and I will wake up & today will be gone. I know I can make tomorrow better. But I can't do anything about right now. I can't make myself stop wishing he was right here. Why day 5? I don't know. Is this normal? That I don't know either. I wonder why I am having a harder time now than I was when he left for Korea. Maybe, because I now know just exactly how long a year can be.